Humor Consultant

all stories are true and some of them actually happened

I used to work for a major pharmaceutical company—in purchasing actually. But over years of coffee breaks and lunches I developed a rep for joke telling—longer anecdotes at the table; quick one-liners in the hallways and elevators. And eventually I had managers and department heads coming to my office for a good story to launch a presentation, training session or sales pitch.

For example, an erectile medication supervisor had to speak at a VFW luncheon and needed a joke to get off to a good start with the mostly male, elderly group. He liked this:

A 63-year old man is having his annual physical. The doctor is taking his history. “You are remarkably well preserved for a man of your age. How old was your father when he died?

“Did I say he died? He’s 84 years old and doing quite well thank you.”

“Well then, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he was dead? He’s 103 and is getting married next week.”

“Why would a man 103 years old want to get married?”

“Did I say he wanted to get married?”

Another time, the head of animal research needed to spark discussion at a colloquium on animal rights. I shared this:

A reporter for the local rag was driving down a country road when he noticed a pig in a farm yard with a wooden leg. There must be a good story, here, he thought and stopped to talk to the farmer.

“Why that pig, son,” the farmer said, “is a hero in these parts. Last winter when our house caught on fire, the pig woke us all up and when we got outside, we realized that gamma was still inside. That pig ran in and dragged granny out by the sleeve of her night gown. Saved her life he did.”

“But why the wooden leg?” the reporter asked.

“Tell him about the tractor,” the wife said,

“Oh, yeah. Last spring, plowing the back 40, my tractor tipped over and pinned me under water in the run-off ditch. That pig stuck his snout under my chin and kept me from drowning until help arrived. Saved my life.”

“Yeah, but why does it have a wooden leg?”

“Why son,” the farmer said, “a pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.”

On another occasion, an OB nurse looking for a way to put expectant parents at ease on the first night of pre-natal classes used this story:

Two little girls pushing doll buggies stop to compare dolls.

“Where did you get yours?”

“From Walmart.”

“How much did it cost?”

“$29.95 and where did you get your doll?”

“Online and it cost $34.95”

Just then a woman walked by with a baby carriage and the girls stopped to admire.

“Where did you get your baby?” one asked.

“At the hospital,” the mother answered.

“And much did she cost?”

The mother huffed, “$6,000.”

As the mother wheeled away, one girl said to the other, “I think she got screwed.”

So, now that I’m retired, my avocational talents lay wasting. I wonder if there is a chance to advertise in social media as a freelance humor consultant?